A couple of weeks ago Sunday Times Style dubbed me a “controversial blogger”. Obviously my first thought was: controversial, moi? Seriously?! I’m about as controversial as green juice pics on instagram. Then I realised they meant that I wasn’t wearing Carven to a Carven party, which I totes was but that’s not really the point of this post. The point is that I may in fact actually be about to blog something semi controversial because in this day and age, the idea of style rules seems completely ridiculous. Ordinarily I’m not a fan of them, my view is more throw it all together – prints, patterns, sparkles – with reckless aplomb and then add knee socks and novelty sunglasses for good measure. Prescribed good taste is a ridiculous notion and would make the world a very boring, and rather oppressive place. However, since the sun tentatively peeked it’s head out I’ve spotted a number of sartorial crimes so heinous I reckon a few guidelines wouldn’t hurt anyone. Plus, writing them was pretty fun.
1) Too short shorts: thank you topshop for ensuring that as soon as temperatures are no longer sub zero, buttocks will be flying free from London to Aberdeen. Arse cheeks are just not an appropriate city accessory. Vaguely acceptable when sported by a Brazilian Gisele alike on the beaches of Rio de Janiero. NEVER ok for a pasty teenager on the platform at East Croydon station. I spent years breaking this rule myself so I do speak from experience.
2) Ugg boots: in April, WTF on so many levels. Especially so when paired with too short shorts.
3) Swimwear as underwear: totally A-OK and deliciously liberating on holiday but if you’re more than 5 miles from the beach it’s just wrong. Same applies to board shorts, confusing on so many levels.
4) Clear bra straps: you’re not fooling anyone… On that subject I kind of feel boob tubes (note: differed to bandeau’s and bralets both of which are très on trend) should also be banned. Aside from anything else that might discourage clear bra strap wearing.
5) Flip flops in the city: This is especially the case on the underground/metro/subway. The dirt, the sweaty foot smells, the potential broken toes, the fact they might flip flop right off and trip up a fellow commuter… There are so many ways this can go horribly wrong! Strangely the same doesn’t apply to a fancy pair of sandals, weird that.
6) Extreme Outerwear: Ok, I admit, unless you hail from certain climatically blessed places it may still be bloody cold. But seriously, it’s April people! Therefore in fashion terms, Spring started two months ago. So pack those parkas away and invest in some pastel shades. Top tip: if you really can’t deal with the chill factor don’t stress get Uniqlo thermals and wear them under your biker jacket/floral shirt combos, you’ll be toasty and no one will know you’re secretly wearing a lycra onesie!
7) Unintentional open toes n’ tights: I’m using the term “tights” to mean socks here too, hope ya don’t mind. As you’ve probably spotted, this season the fash pack have taken to wearing sports socks with their peep toe stilettos. While I can’t entirely bring myself to do this (yet) I am planning on digging out the Juicy Couture knee high pink trimmed “sports” socks I bought aged around 14. I’ll wear them with some form of high heeled footwear for an attempted Prada-meets-Clueless vibe. This is ok, it’s deliberate. What’s not ok is trying to sneakily get away with a pair of nude tights under peep toes which gives the unsightly illusion of webbed toes.
8) Christmas jumpers: Wearing your ironic Rudolf knit beyond January (February at a push) is strictly verboten, even if you possess a banging beard and live on Hoxton Square. In fact, especially if that’s the case.
9) Preemptive semi nudity: I think this is very much a British thing. The sun comes out, we all get over excited. That’s understandable, it only happens about once a year. But while wearing Winter fare in April is a bit rubbish, forgetting the basic laws of common decency and getting your kit off will just traumatise your fellow man. I swear to God I saw a man on the tube with his shirt off the other day. You just don’t get over something like that.
10) Self doubt: Somewhat paradoxically, the final style commandment I’d like to impart is to wear what makes you feel good! Not a fan of logos or sports luxe? Don’t force yourself into high fash track pants and Wang inspired boxy tops. Outraged by Phoebe Philo swapping minimalism for painterly prints? Why not try Altuzarra esque shirting instead. Or just keep rocking the clean lines you snapped up at Zara last summer, if it suits you we won’t judge! Whatever anyone says, fashion is meant to be enjoyable after all. Self doubt is out so indulge in whatever sartorial treats leave you feeling most fabulous. Y’know, unless they’re any of the above.
What style crimes do YOU wish would be made illegal?
Love Ella x